Manusia Tak Bersyukur.


Cuti semester aku suck. Aku dah tak boleh tidur malam. Gila la. Aduh! Parah dah aku ni. Dengar kabar Segamat banjir? Apa cerita holiday aku. Semua nak cancel. Itu cancel ini cancel. Apa tinggal untuk aku?

Aku rasa aku ini tak reti bersyukur. Cuti pendek mengeluh. Cuti panjang pun mengeluh. Dan yang paling aku hairan, macam mana viewers blog aku banyak sangat. Tiba-tiba je mostly from Russia. Ain't no cool man. Blog sampah ini tak ada apa nak dicerita.

Cuti aku disaster. Musim tengkujuh tiba. Angin kencang menyapa. Selamat tinggal cuti yang sempurna!

Ciao.

Perfect Wedding


Maaf, aku tak pernah ada gambaran untuk perfect wedding bagi aku. Entah kenapa tak pernah terlintas di fikiran aku. Baru mencecah 20 tahun tak buat aku gembira. Mungkin sebab aku baru 20 tahun dan khawin bukan first option aku macam kawan-kawan aku yang lain.

2 bulan yang lepas:

"Assalamualaikum, hello bonda. Akak balik nanti nak kerja. Nak cari duit poket sikit. Boleh tak?"
"Hurm, bonda tak ada masalah. Tapi tanya bapak dulu."
"Bonda... Kakak tak nak pakai PTPTN tu akak ingat nak kerja cuti 3 bulan nanti."
"Okay no problem."

2 bulan kemudian:

"Cakap nak kerja? Bila nak cari kerja. Bonda dah fikirkan kerja sesuai untuk kakak."
"Nanti lah bonda. Kakak nak releks-releks dulu kat rumah."

Sekarang,

Aku di sini. Terperap dekat rumah. Memasak, makan, movies marathon, tidur. Entah ke mana semangat aku hendak bekerja. Planning nak masuk kelas deco and baking tak jadi-jadi sebab at the end tempat tu terus tak ada khabar berita.

Aku, lima tahun akan datang ? Entahlah. Mungkin lecturer Physics atau penganggur di rumah macam sekarang. Atau mungkin dah beranak-pinak. Macam anak kucing tuuuuu.... Aku pun tak pasti. Tapi buat masa sekarang, walaupun aku rasa aku ni teruk tahap gaban sekarang... Tak reti aku nak terangkan.

Mungkin Disember nanti lebih baik untuk aku. Makan angin ke Johor, melawat tempat aku membesar sampai aku 6 tahun - Pahang. Dan, shopping sakan di tempat yang illegal yang aku tak patut taip nama tempat tu....

Hari-hari aku berlalu dengan bosannya. Favorite blogs aku dah mati, mostly. dan mungkin blog ini pun patut mati sekali. Suicide.

Merapu jam 5.00 pagi.

Killing my time.

Hi,

Its me. Again. Or finally? Aku cuti 3 bulan. And its killing me. Bravo.
I got nothing to say. Nothing spectacular.

Makan, tidur, movies marathon, tidur balik.
Malam menjadi siang, siang menjadi malam.
Insomnia. Trouble sleeping.
Nightmare.
Romance-mare?

Okay,
Sekarang kita jenguk,
How I Met Your Mother season 5.
Sambil kunyah onigiri buatan sendiri.

Bye.

Untuk Si Pemerhati,


Pernahkah kau terfikir kenapa aku tiada di situ?

Kerana,
Aku bukan seorang pejuang. Tapi hati aku sentiasa berdoa untuk kemenangan.

Pernahkah kau terfikir kenapa aku jarang bersuara?

Kerana,
Aku bukan mudah melontarkan kata-kata bila pria berada di situ.

Pernahkah kau terfikir kenapa aku sukar untuk tersenyum?

Kerana,
Senyuman aku bukan untuk sebarangan orang.


Jangan kerana aku kurang di majlis diskusi, kau fikir aku tidak ambil tahu.
Jangan kerana aku jarang bersuara, kau fikir aku tiada apa untuk dikata.
Jangan kerana aku sukar untuk tersenyum, kau fikir aku bermasam muka.


Untuk si pemerhati,
menilai itu ada batasnya.
Cuba bersuara, jika ingin tahu.
Jangan hanya berdiri di situ,
mencipta spekulasi sendiri.

Aku bukan raksaksa,
si pemakan mangsa.
Harap kamu mengerti,
apa yang aku maksudkan.



7:00 Petang - Langit PJ mendung selalu

Dan Sebenarnya


Dan sebenarnya,
Aku anak tunggal.
Bukan seperti apa yang kamu semua fikirkan;
anak sulung, dan ramai adik-beradik.

Dan sebenarnya,
Aku seorang yang lemah,
dalam hal tertentu.
Bukan seperti apa yang kamu sangkakan;
berani dan cekal.

Dan sebenarnya,
Aku selalu melihat di luar kotak,
Bukan seperti apa yang kamu lihat pada diri aku;
bergelak ketawa dan ceria selalu.

Dan sebenarnya,
Kamu tak dapat menilai seseorang itu,
dari luaran sahaja.
Kerna sebenarnya ia jauh bezanya.

Dan sebenarnya,
Cuma aku dan Tuhan sahaja yang tahu.
Bagaimana kondisi diri ini.




3:00 AM - Meniti hari sendiri.

Puan.

Destinasi: Sogo KL

Cuaca: Cerah.

Aku sendiri di Sogo. Macam biasa, mulanya hendak windows shopping sahaja kemudian bapak call suruh belikan dia kemeja. Aku pergi bahagian baju lelaki. Sambil tengok-tengok baju. Ada seorang pak cik tegur aku.

"Agak-agak mana sesuai ye, puan?" Sambil menunjukkan aku beberapa pasang kemeja.
Aku cuma senyum sambil cuba menahan gelak.
"Lepas 70% dapat berapa ye baju ini puan?" Aku tersenyum lagi. Cuba untuk menjelaskan status diri ini, tapi tak mengapalah. Just follow the flow. Aku cuma mendiamkan diri tanpa menjawab apa-apa persoalan pak cik itu. Rasa serba salah pun ada.
"70% dari harga sebenar polo ini berapalah agaknya.."
Akhrinya aku membalas juga pertanyaan pak cik itu, rasa kesian pun ada. Tapi nak buat macam mana aku ini bukan jenis mudah berbicara dengan orang yang tidak aku kenali.
"Dapat lima puluh lebih kot pakcik." Aku senyum lagi.

Usai sahaja memilih baju bapak, terus aku ke kaunter untuk membuat bayaran.




p/s: Jasmine milk tea Chatime best.

How to survive


Khamis.

Cuaca: Hujan rintik-rintik.


Aku menunggu di hadapan bilik madam. Kelibatnya langsung tiada. Telefon tidak diangkat, mesej tidak di balas. Hampir putus asa. Hati aku bergelora. Ingin pulang ke rumah. Rakan sebilik aku sudah pulang. Tinggal aku seorang sahaja di sini, menunggu bersama beberapa orang yang lain yang tidak aku kenali.

10 minit kemudian.

Dah, aku give up! - getus hati kecil aku. Kaki aku bergerak laju, menuruni anak tangga. Aku tak peduli aku, apa nak jadi, jadilah. Sampai separuh jalan, hujan mulai turun. Aku berhenti di hadapan court. Sambil keluarkan telefon, aku cari nama-nama yang mungkin dapat bantu aku hari ini. Fly. Itu je yang ada dalam fikirin aku. Macam mana nak fly hari ini. 

"Hello, weh kau kat mana?"
"Aku dah dalam KTM ni. Apahal?"
"Weh aku nak balik kad aku tak ada! Macam mana ini ?!"
"Lah kau, buat bodoh je lalu depan pak guard."
"Tak kena tangkap ke?"
"Tadi dia nampak aku pegang kad, dia lepaskan je aku keluar. Tak check pun."
"Masalahnya aku tak ada kad!"
"Dah tu pergi panjat pagar."
"Tak nak lah aku! Nanti lagi teruk kalau kantoi!"
"Tunggu esok jelah balik."
"Tak nak! Hurm, takpe lah, pandai-2 la aku ejas."
"K, bye."

Otak aku kembali rungsing. Fikiran ligat mencari solusi hari ini. Sama ada hendak meneruskan langkah atau pulang ke bilik. Hati aku berkira-kira. Separuh pengecut, separuh berani. 

Akhirnya aku buka langkah menuju keluar. Tika hampir sampai ke pondok pegawai, aku berlari anak kononnya basah dek hujan rintik-rintik. Aku mula bersembang dengan pak guard tu. Sambil bersembang, fikiran aku mencari jalan untuk keluar. 

"Pak cik, bus tak sampai lagi ke dari tadi?"
"Tak pun, balik esok jelah."
"Tak boleh, saya ada hal ini."
"Nak balik mana?"
"Balik sini je."
"La dekat je pun."

Aku pun senyum dekat pak guard tu, otak aku ligat untuk buat keputusan mahu melangkah keluar atau tidak. Kemudian selepas habis bersembang aku melangkah keluar dengan slumber nya menunggu bus. Hati aku masih gusar mulanya, kerna bus lambat sampai. 

Usai sahaja aku menaiki bus, aku tersenyum seorang diri. Berfikir macam mana aku boleh terlepas? Kelakar. Tapi mungkin nasib aku sebab pak guard tak mintak aku tunjukkan kad.






p/s: Dah lama aku tak fly sejak zaman sekolah menengah. 

Ulasan Hati.

Manusia ni fragile.

Kenapa aku cakap macam tu?
Sebab soal hati dan perasaan memang macam tu.

Tegur sikit, terasa.
Patah hati, menagis.
Result teruk, down.


Appreciate, lah apa yang kau rasa.
At least, jangan melampau sangat
terbawa-bawa dengan perasaan tu.


Move On

-is the best solution when your heart is broken.





p/s: My heart is fine, thank you.

Raya.


Selamat hari raya, hari berbahagia, hari yang gembira.

Jangan lupa orang Syiria, Rohingya, dan umat Islam yang lain diluar sana. 
Kita sibuk main mercun, sana sini. Mereka sibuk tembak sana, dan bom sini. Jangan lupa.
Doakan untuk mereka, senjata kita sekarang cuma doa. 
Allah Maha Mendengar.





Selamat Hari Raya.
Maaf Zahir Batin.

Wifi

Yesterday i named my
Wifi “ hack if you can ”
.
.
.
. . .
.
.
.
Today when i woke up it was changed to
“challenge accepted”

Solusi Bukan di sini

#NowPlaying Prelud No.2 in C Major


Hujan renyai-renyai. Otak aku buntu, jari jemari aku menari di atas piano imaginasi. Mengharap 7k di dalam saku bajuku. Sebuah piano hadiah untuk diri sendiri.

Fikiran aku kosong. Tiada apa yang lebih baik dari bermalas-malasan di atas katil yang empuk dan bilik bersuh 16 degree. Buku-buku masih tersimpan rapi di dalam bagasi. Tiada niat untuk aku keluarkan dari situ. Katil ini lebih bernilai dari segala-galanya.

Dunia bermula di sini.


Alam fantasi.

Otak aku mati.



12:35 Pagi - berimaginasi sendiri.

19 lagi, oh ia cuma sekali!

Aku busy. Assignments, quizzes, tutorials, presentations and what's more? Hidung berdarah. Jerebu lagi. Cuti Nuzul Quran tapi tidak di KL. Tiada orang nak teman aku shopping raya. Lagi? Elaun tak masuk-masuk. Apa lagi aku nak complaint?

Sebenarnya, aku tak suka, hidup penuh complaint. Sebenarnya, aku tipu, seumur hidup aku tak pernah hidung aku berdarah. Sebenarnya, aku penat, jerebu tak habisan. Tapi nak conclude semua sekali, aku enjoy life aku. Walaupun busy, jerebu, elaun tak masuk lagi buat hidup aku tak bosan. Selalu je ada something comes up. Dan selalu je aku penat perah otak cari solusi setiap satu masalah. Aku tak nak cerita perihal masalah hari ini, tapi ia mematangkan aku sebab solusi di dalam sakuku selepas egoku pecah berderai.

Diam.



Bersantai di tepi balkoni ni memang menenangkan. Dengan angin sejuk menyapa. Tiada deringan telefon. Sunyi tanpa pekikan tv. Cuma kedengaran bunyi landasan kereta api, kadang kala. Cengkerik yang tak berhenti berlagu, dan kereta-kereta sport yang meraung di atas jalan.

Dah dua jam aku cuba memahami sub topic assignment aku. Cuba untuk sum up and conclude the discussion. Understanding..


Aku rasa tak ada apa aku nak katakan lagi, masih banyak kerja yang menanti. Cuma nak ucap,






"Selamat 19, semoga Allah bagi pertunjuk dan hidayah
. "Tunjukkanlah kami jalan yang lurus." - Al- Fatihah 1:4"





- 12:45 AM ; 26 Julai, tarikh yang selalu ingin dilupakan tapi tetap segar dalam ingatan.

Chopsticks!


"Playing chopsticks with chopstick is brilliant. I wonder if I could become a pianist one day."




Aku tak yakin aku bangun ke tak sahur nanti, kalau waktu macam ini tak tidur lagi.
Bertuah punya budak (!)




-3:26 AM ; Mata layu, meratap hati.

Aku dan Makcik Indon di Cafe.



Hari itu aku pulang dari kelas. Macam biasa, perut keroncong. Sarat dengan pengisian ilmu yang kadang-kala aku sendiri pening. Singgah sebentar ke cafe.


"Makcik, yong tau fu ni berapa?"

"Sosej itu lima puluh sen, yang itu satu ringgit, yang itu dua ringgit. Pilih dulu ya, nanti siap bagi tau mak cik." -slang indon.

***

5 minit.

"Makcik dah siap pilih ni."

"Letak situ dulu nanti mak cik buatkan." - slang indon.

***

15 minit.

"Mak cik tak siap lagi ke?"

"Sekejap ya." Sambil ke hulu ke hilir tanpa mempedulikan aku.

***

10 minit.

"Mak cik tak siap lagi ke?" - Suara tak puas hati.

"Aduh nyonya, sabar dong."
"Nyonya engak kahwin lagi.. Engak ada suami. Baby pun belum ada. Hendak cepat ke mana? Sabar, makcik baru nak buat ni. " Sambil mencapai pinggan berisi yong tau fu aku.

"Mak cik bukan apa, saya lapar ni."

"Hari ini ada pasar malam engak di luar? Ngapaan engak keluar beli di sana. Lagi sedap dong dari di cafe ini."

"Mahal la mak cik, lagi pun dekat sini murah. Sedap pulak tu." Aku senyum tersengih-sengih.

"Mak cik teringin bangat makan roti yang panjang itu. Nama apaan si roti yang panjang itu?"

"Ouh roti john nama dia mak cik."

"Berapa agaknya harga roti itu ya? Teringin benar mak cik."

"Entahlah saya pun tak tahu. Sebab jarang sangat pergi pasar."


10 minit kemudian.


"Kuah asingkan ya mak cik."

"Aduh nyonya, ini mak cik udah asingkan." Sambil berkerut dahi membungkus yong tau fu aku.



Empat puluh minit aku menunggu untuk dapatkan yong tau fu. Mengeluh panjang.
Order makanan - tak selalu cepat sampai, tak selalu lambat dapat.






6.15 Petang- Beberapa hari sebelum bulan puasa. Salam Ramadhan Al Mubarak.

Now or Never.

I went to Department of Science Program (DOSP) around 3 o'clock, today. Searching for my approval letter of change program.

***

I'm giving up my dream to be a doctor. It not looks like myself. Mom is pretty upset and dad said nothing about it since it is my future. They could only guide me to be a good person with a good personality and good future. I knew that every parents want the best to their children.

Dad always be my adviser since he understands what I want, what I like and dislike. However at the same time he try to pursue me about becoming a doctor. I think I'm already talked about this before.

I'm not suitable to become a doctor.


***

Nah, no need to worry about it. A few days later on, the approval letter of changing program will safely arrive home.






-4:24 PM ; #nowplaying I'm a Loner.

Problem


I've a problem.

"Difficulty to remember someone's face or/and name."

As soon as someone introduce themself to me, a few second later I'm already forget his/her name or anything about 'em. Its weird. Nah, maybe it just me that feel so.

There is a time when someone greeted me, asked me about my day, and ect.. I'm just answered 'em  without knowing their name. Mostly, I don't know their name and sometime I felt like I've met 'em somewhere before. So, when this thing happen to me, I just greet 'em back, so I won't hurt their feeling.

I feel sorry to myself. Barely able to remember my new-friends'-names.






1.26 AM - I think that its not only happen to me. So, I'm not a weirdo!

Perempuan dengan Mahkota




Sejak akhir-akhir ini, perubahan aku agak mendadak dengan menjadi feminine. Gelak lah aku. Aku tak kisah. Kalau dulu, rambut aku selalu berubah mengikut musim. Tapi sekarang dah tak bermusim. Aku dah jelak ikut style drama-drama korea, retis-retis barat yang entah apa-apa budaya yang dibawa. Nah, semua itu kosong. Tak ada makna. Aku letih menjadi seorang copy dan paste. Tiada originality dalam diri.

Dan sekarang aku jumpa identiti diri aku yang sebenar. Yang buat hidup aku lebih bermakna dari kosong.. Kalau dulu aku rasa ikut trend itu cool, tapi sekarang aku rasa macam tahik. Cool ke bila si gemuk pakai skinny nampak lemak empat lapis di perut dan bila si keding pakai skinny nak tunjuk mereka ada tulang belulang yang tak berisi.

Semua itu tahi. No offense. Tapi aku bercakap benar. Mata-mata ada yang memerhati. Aku tak peduli mata-mata orang sekeliling aku, tapi yang di bahu kiri dan kanan tu kau nak ignore kan je?

Aku jelik dengan lelaki. Lelaki yang berkepit-kepit dengan perempuan di sisi. Kalau aku jumpa jenis macam ini aku cakap dalam hati. " Bini dia tu, pedulikan lah." - apa yang aku nak tekankan di sini bersangka baik dengan semua, bukan lelaki je. Tapi yang aku naik jelaknya bila aku terserempak yang jenis nak bercumbu di tempat awam. Macam mana aku nak cakap dalam hati itu bini dia? Sedangkan yang dah bersuami isteri tak lebih-lebih macam itu. Raba sana, raba sini. Macam hidup mereka tiada agama. Hilang ke mana rasa malu mereka?

Again, no offense but I speak about the truth.




Aku tak baik sangat pun tapi aku tahu mana dosa mana pahala, mana baik mana buruk. Tapi kalau kau setakat tahu tapi tak apply, sama macam kau berak tapi tak flush.





9:04 :-  Apakah nasi goreng ayam tanpa ayam nilai RM5.50? Aku kena tipu kah? pfftttt...

Wish 3



Hati aku dah lama lunyai. Tak mengapa. Aku tak kisah. Aku lebih senang begini. Tak ambil peduli pasal "situasi". Lebih baik lunyai dari berbunga kembali. Sebab aku takut aku tak skor nanti. Walaupun aku tahu, hati berbunga tak effect marking, tapi aku lebih suka begini.
Hati kosong tanpa berisi..



Ke mana jatuhnya cinta kalau tak ke hati? Kan?


Tapi soalnya, sekarang...

Aku tak nak cinta, aku nak empat bendera. Mana nak cari kalau tak usaha. Macamlah boleh jatuh bergolek sendiri. Aku dah serik. Belajar dari masa lalu. Usaha kalau tak dikerah hasilnya tak menjadi jua. Tapi bila usaha, hasilnya kurang dari dijangka, jangan putus asa. Reazki Allah luas di atas muka bumi ini. Cuma tak tahu bila, mana, dan berapa.


Bersangka baik, semua pasti ada hikmahnya.





2:55 AM - Pantun tak seberapa jam dua pagi ;

 Cermin pecah, salam berbunyi.
 Tercari-cari, brothers memerhati.
 Riuhlah mahallah, malam ini.
 Bila sisters panjat pagar luar dari normal realiti.

 Akhirnya pak guard datang bawa kunci.
 Masuk ke dalam membawa diri.

Protest


7.30 Pagi

" Awal kau bangun hari ini."
"Aku ada kelas pukul 8 nanti."




8.00 Pagi

"Eh cakap ada kelas pukul 8 pagi, kenapa tak pergi lagi ?"
"Nanti aku pergi lah."
"Boleh pulak kau iron tudung time macam ni. Mengigau ke apa? Selama ini tak pernah nampak pun iron tudung waktu macam ni?"
"Aku nak buat hal sikit hari ni."
"Eh selama ni tak pernah pun macam ni. Ni kenapa tiba-tiba jadi macam ni?

Senyum.




8.15 Pagi

Sampai ke kelas,

"Kenapa lambat?"

Diam.

"Awak tahu tak dah pukul berapa sekarang?"

Diam.

"15 minit awak lambat tau tak?"

Diam.

Duduk, keluarkan buku, keluar pen.

Sambung belajar.


******



9.10 Pagi

"Kau nampak tak aku tadi? Cool tak aku? Hahaha."
"Nampak. Kenapa lambat?"
"Aku sengaja datang lambat, tunjuk protest kelas pukul 8 pagi, padahal aku tak setuju waktu bincang hari itu."
"Alah kau, protest protest pun datang juga ke kelas."
"Hehehe. Tak boleh lah tak datang terus, nanti contact hour tak cukup. Cool tak aku tadi?"
"Yer yer, kau cool."
"I'm V-Kool." Tangan sambil buat peace.
"Kalau aku tadi memang gabra dah, kau ingat tak apa jadi dekat aku hari tu?"
"Aku ingat lah weh, sampai bila-bila aku ingat."
"Boleh kau tak jawab waktu dia tanya soalan tadi, lepas tu boleh pulak terus duduk. Kalau aku memang tak berani kot nak buat macam tuu.."
"So, aku cool. Hahaha."
"Cool lah sangat.. -,-"
"Bak nota yang aku missed kat kelas tadi."
"Hmm, ok nanti aku bagi kau pinjam."





12:56AM ; - Cerita lama.

Haze. Part 2.

It is terrible right here.
This haze thing is getting worst.
 Hopefully everything will be okay. Hopefully.

However the most important part is class is canceled yesterday.
And I really hope that class is also cancel for today.

Hopefully.

Another Long Night.

Sighed.

Constipation in the middle of night is a very very very bad idea.

Oh man!
Thanks God, nothing "non-human" things showed up when I was in the toilet.

I am a scaredy-cat but at the same time I try to fight my fear by being brave.

The good thing is, nothing bad showed up every time I went bath or do-my-business in the toilet. Hopefully that thing never show up in front of me every time I go there in the future. Sound funny, but I'm serious.
Don't you see my seriousness on my forehead?


3:40 AM - another day passed by. Time is running and I was lazying. meh! :-/

Haze.

Saturday.

Nothing more or less than a holiday.
Typically, my roommates are not in my room.

Le me, is lazying all day.
Evening - Playing badminton with pros.

And today, PJ's sky full with haze.
Blame this problem to open burning in Sumatra.





4:19 PM ; Listening to fly.fm Top 40

Work it Out

For a few days ago, I'm just registered for new semester as a senior. This is my senior year.So I am quite busy with add and drop session. Plus, my application to change my program is accepted. Alhamdulillah, I could change my program to Physical Science. Lectures sessions started today's morning for my class. Well, there will be a few more students entering my class since the add and drop session still goes on till the end of this week. I hope this is a new start for me.

I have no regret.

Maybe some of them quite disappointed with my decision, but they accepted it with open heart. Hopefully. 

I have no regret.

When my result is lower than my expectation, but it doesn't mean that I'm giving up.

This is a new start for me. I'm gonna make this right.
I'm gonna work hard till it satisfied me.


Applied BTQ in real life, not in examination paper only!


Things changes. A lot. I mean it.



Man Jadda Wajada .




11:58 ; C220 - Kotak Hati, singer- My roommate (Iqin)

Bapak, Diabetes & Hospital. 3

4 June - 6 June 2013

Alhamdulillah, kondisi bapak semakin baik. Dia mula boleh diajak berbual dan bergurau. Tapi kakinya masih begitu. Menunggu isi tumbuh balik. Memandangkan shift aku menjaga bapak pada waktu malam, jadi karangan ini lebih kepada aku dan bapak pada waktu malam. Bonda pula menjaganya pada waktu siang. Bergitu lah aku bergilir dengan bonda.

Bapak mula bersembang dengan teman-teman satu wad dengannya. Wad 6A, bilik E. Memandangkan wad tersebut semuanya lelaki, aku agak tidak selesa, walau bagai mana sekalipun, tugas aku sebagai anak mesti dilaksanakan.

Bilik E riuh dengan gurau senda bapak dan teman-temannya. Memandangkan, kebanyakan pesakit di wad 6A ialah pesakit diabetes, bermacam ragam dan jenis kondisi mereka aku perhatikan. Ada yang kena potong kaki, ada yang berbalut di tanggan, ada yang berbalut di betis.

Kadang kala, apabila nurse datang untung memeriksa kandungan gula dalam badan pesakit-pesakit ini, mereka dapat bergurau senda mengenainya. Aku senang hati, melihat mereka ceria, termasuk bapak. Setiap kali ada pesakit baru masuk ke bilik E, pasti bapak akan bertanya kepada pesakit baru tersebut akan keadaannya.

Dan setiap kali aku datang untuk menjaga bapak di hospital pada waktu malam, pasti dia akan memesan coslow dan kentang putar KFC untuk makan malam.

Senyum.

Bapak, Diabetes & Hospital. 2

3 June 2013

Selepas pembedahan, bapak menjamah makanan yang aku belikan untuk dia. KFC, fresh oren tanpa gula dan apple. Selera bapak bukan main. Yelah, lebih dari 24 jam tidak makan dan minum. Selepas makan bapak pesan dekat aku, pukul 2.00 pagi kejutkan dia untuk solat.

Selepas pak cik dan mak cik aku pulang dan bapak usai makan, dia tidur dengan lena. Sebelum itu aku ada terima sms dari Mak Long, dia ada pesan supaya bapak tak makan dan minum selepas pembedahan. Takut muntah. Disebabkan bapak baru sudah menjalani pembedahan, bapak cuma makan kentang putar, apple dan coslow KFC. Tapi, lain yang aku dan Mak Long bimbangkan, lain pula yang terjadi.

Sebelum bapak masuk dewan pembedahan, bapak ada bilang dia sakit perut. Selepas dibius doktor, sakit perutnya hilang. Malam itu juga, bapak cerit-birit selepas selesai makan. Habis kain dan bajunya kotor. Nasib aku sempat hamparkan bed sheet yang tebal sebelum bapak sakit perut.

Dalam pukul 2:10 pagi, aku panggil nurse. Nurse datang, dan bersihkan katil. Selepas nurse bersihkan, bapak masih cirit-birit. Malam itu, aku tak berapa nak tidur. Kesian bapak. Semoga Allah ampunkan dosanya.

Jam 4:50 pagi, aku sorong bapak dengan kereta roda, untuk ke tandas. Bapak bersihkan badan dan berwudhuk. Kemudian bapak solat isyak dan terus menunggu azan subuh. Kondisi bapak lemah akibat sakit perut.

Bila ditanya, kakinya sakit atau tidak, dia bilang tidak. Doktor bilang kesan bius itu akan hilang dalam 6 jam, itu yang bapak katakan pada aku.

Jam 7:00 pagi, aku pulang ke rumah. Giliran bonda pula jaga bapak.




Bapak, Diabetes & Hospital. 1

1 June 2013

Hari ke dua bapak duduk di hospital. Malam itu aku jaga bapak, jadi aku bermalam di hospital. Masa aku sampai di wad bapak, keadaan dia lemah. Lebih dari 24 jam bapak puasa. Puasa tanpa niat. Yup, puasa tanpa niat disebabkan dia terpaksa menjalani pembedahan.

Sudah beberapa kali sesi pembedahan bapak ditangguh, pada hari yang sama. Bekalan elektrik juga tergangu hari itu. Pada waktu malam, jam 8.15 PM, bapak dihantar ke dewan pembedahan. Sewaktu pembedahan dijalankan beberapa kali bekalan elektrik terputus.

Jam 9.20 PM, pak cik dan mak cik aku dari Mentakab sampai di hospital. Kebetulan pula aku mahu keluar untuk membeli makanan untuk bapak. Mereka menemani aku sehingga usai sesi pembedahan.

Jam 10.55 PM, bapak keluar dari bilik pembedahan.

Alhamdulillah, segalanya berjalan lancar.


Monolog Sendiri


Doktor.

Itu bapak dan bonda harapkan pada aku. Untuk menjadi seorang doktor. Tapi, ia tak semudah itu. Sejak bapak dimasukkan ke hospital, aku memerhatikan kerja seorang doktor. Aku tahu tanggungjawabnya besar. Sebab itu baru-baru ini sebelum final exam, aku berbincang dengan bapak dan bonda mengenai perancangan masa hadapan aku.

Sewaktu bapak di hospital baru-baru ini bapak ada bilang,

"Kalau kakak jadi doktor, pasti kakak tak akan marah ayah."

Kata-kata itu mula membuat aku berkira-kira untuk menjadi seorang doktor, tapi hati aku masih tegar. Memandangkan aku sudah mengisi borang untuk tukar kos, keadaan mungkin menjadi rumit. Walau apa pun, aku berserah kepada Tuhan untuk menetukannya. Apa yang aku patut lakukan ialah usaha dan bertawakkal kepadanya agar jalan yang aku ambil ini tidak memudaratkan aku, dan agama aku.

Sebelum ini, hati aku tidak berapa berkenan untuk menjadi doktor, sejak aku memikirkan tanggungjawab aku nanti apabila bergelar seorang isteri dan ibu. Mungkin terlalu muda untuk seseorang yang berumur 19 tahun untuk memikirkan perkara seperti ini, tapi aku seorang yang mengira bila masuk bab kerjaya dan pelajaran.

Belajar bukan satu masalah bagi aku. Tetapi, situasi sewaktu belajar dan bekerja, sudah pasti berbeza. Aku selalu memikirkan impak untuk jangka pendek dan jangka panjang untuk setiap satu keputusan yang aku ambil. Sebab ia mungkin dapat mengubah walaupun sedikit.

Bagi orang lain mungkin tidak penting. Tapi, ianya sesuatu yang penting bagi aku. Pengalaman dan pemerhatian selalu membuat aku menilai dan muhasabah diri aku sendiri. Seorang perempuan, walaupun setinggi mana sekali pun kerjaya dan pelajarannya, akhirnya pasti kembali kepad suami dan anak-anak.

Hidup ini penuh drama dan liku. Kalau hidup ini senang lenang, apa guna Tuhan cipta kita?

Bukankah untuk menyambah Dia Yang Satu dan kembali kepadaNya juga akhirat nanti ?




- 8:33 AM ; aku tahu bapak & bonda mengharapkan aku...

Long distance driving.

Aku penat.

Baru pulang dari rumah. Kelantan-Terengganu, pukul 2.00-7.30 ptg. Sejak bapak sakit, aku jadi driver. Seteruk mana pun driving skills aku, aku cuba pandu cermat, walaupun kadang-kadang, aku tekan pedal minyak sampai meraung kereta kancil tu.

Aku penat.

Dengar luahan kebimbangan bonda yang sama, berulang-ulang kali. Takut bapak masuk wad hospital. Dan kebimbangan bonda jadi kenyataan. Esok bapak akan aku hantar ke hospital. Selepas mendengar omongan doktor, kawan bapak tadi siang, bonda mengalah. Rela dalam paksa. Bonda tak suka ubat, tak suka jarum, tak suka hospital. Tapi, mahu anak perempuannya menjadi doktor.

Aku dengar bapak berzikir, aku tau bapak kuat semengat. Aku fikir, kondisi bapak makin baik, tapi selepas petang tadi, hati aku mula gusar. Bukan gusarkan bapak masuk hospital, tapi gusar kakinya makin teruk.


Ya Allah, kurniakanlah kembali kesihatan yang baik buat bapak aku. Ampunilah dosa dia ya Allah. Amin.






- 8:58 PM ; gelap malam, moga Allah ampunkan dosa hambaNya.

Pulang


Aku pulang.

Bau wap masin menerpa deria bau aku.
Bayu laut menyapa kedatangan aku.
Bonda menanti di muka jendela.

Aku pulang.

Membawa seribu harapan.
Agar Allah eratkan lagi hubungan kami.
Aku, bapak, bonda dan comel si kucing-kucing aku.


Selamat Hari Ibu,

Assalamualaikum,
Buat bonda yang tercinta,

Mesej ini kakak tujukan untuk bonda,

Tiada apa yang kakak minta pada Tuhan untuk bonda, 
selain kebahagian di dunia dan di akhirat buat bonda.

Bonda, tabahlah menghadapi hari-hari mu,
Allah selalu ada di sisi bonda, jangan pernah putus asa.

Tiada apa yang membahagiakan kakak,
selain melihat bonda gembira. 

Semoga Allah ampunkan dosa bonda,
dan semoga Allah kekalkan jodoh bonda dengan ayah 
sampai ke akhirat sana.
Amin.

Selamat Hari Ibu,
Hanya Allah dapat balas jasa bonda.


Yang Ikhlas,
Kakak    
(Anak Tunggal Bonda)

Study Weeks

I suppose to be in Port Dickson right now. However, I choose to stay back at the hostel. I knew that it kind of waste, as the vacation is FOC. I choose books instead of vacation. Yet, I still roaming around, watching movies and sleeping instead of studying. Kinda waste you know. It might be better for me if I followed 'em to PD.

Study week is already at the end. So, I decided to boast my energy for studying. I should not study in the last minute. I knew that I'm not suppose to do so, but still.. Movies and dramas is very good to be watched when the examination is around the corner.

Bravo, junks.


p/s: I really hope, when I get home, I could eat Mak Long's Nasi Kerabu Daging Bakar. Superb!



- 11:37 PM ; #nowwatching Cinta Vlog on Youtube. Silly me.

Dilemma

Here I am, staying up all night. Finishing my last tutorial for SHE 1114. This is my last semester as a first year student, yet next year I'll be senior in this collage. For the next semester I was thinking to change my program.

Yes, change my program.

Its not like I dislike the current program, but sometimes I need to sacrifice for my own future. Thinking about the consequence for short term and long term. How does it affect my future. A lot of things is going on in my mind.

Critical thinking always give me such a hard time. I called my parent last night, I told them that  wanna change my program. Since I'm in dilemma choosing the program, I sought for their advises.

I was in between Physics and Biology.

How I wish Physics and Biology could be together. But I know that it never ever happen, from a long time ago. Since Biology is my favorite subject and Physics is like an enemy for me, but I still got confused between 'em. I'm just don't understand,  why Physics always act nicer to me than other subject. It is really unpredictable result.

If I change to Physical Science program, there is no other turning point to get back to Biology. And I'll choose Physics as a major subject in the main campus. Whereas, if I decide to change to ALHS I still could learn my favorite subject and if I have "reazki" I could proceed to medic in the main campus if my result is excellent. Well Physical Science is a little bit different from my current program as I'll drop Biology and add Comp 2 and Math 3. My current program's subject is alike to ALHS's subject, so nothing is changing except for the course during degree.

However, everything is still blurred. Yet the change program form is already came out. I scare if I miss the due date and I could not change the program ever again.

I wish I could settle everything within this week. Amin



2:47 AM - Pray for my success.


Rebellious

It is my true nature to be rebellion girl. I love myself for being rebellious. It such a good moment, when you can show off your true color (true feeling). Being rebellious doesn't mean that you're a bad person. Sometimes, it just for showing unsatisfied feeling towards something. Yet, after that you'll feel absolutely awesome! And sometimes you doesn't realize that you also hurts someone's feeling.

I used to be rebellious girl during my high school, but now I don't expected to do the same thing again. Well, when I think about it again, I guess it is quite rude. I am no good in seeking apologize to other people, but I am good in admitting my mistake and my wrong doing.

Expect the unexpected thing.

But for yesterday, I didn't think about the outcome of my attitude. After I'm discussing with my friend, I did realize something. I thought that I am changing right now, however there is still a part of me that want to feel being rebellious for once again in my life.

Just like in the novel, everything is predictable but you never know the ending till you finish it.




- Morning, 08:15 ; I thought that I am V Cool. But actually I'm not.
I am a strong girl with a strong immune system. But lately, my body getting weaker. Its quite rare for me to get sick. Now I'm sick. This is my first time I get caught by fever since last year. I didn't expected to get fever at this time. I think that my body condition is quite okay, but a few day ago I started cough badly.

Since this is my first time I'm having fever in campus, it is quite unbearable for me to manage my own body. Well, I really hope mom was here beside me. Cooked my favorite dishes, put a cold pack on my head and kept me in warm with thick blanket. I miss her right now.

I let my ego down when I'm getting ill.


Otai,

Sejak aku berubah, banyak perkara sekeliling aku pun berubah. Sebagai contoh, aku tak jadi hardcore blogger macam dulu dah, bahasa blog aku pun dah tak ada sumpah seranah yang entah apa-apa itu. Uncertainly, kadang aku sendiri tak sedar apa berlaku dekat blog ni. Terbiar macam sesawang labah-labah.

Luaran aku pun dah tak otai atau rugged macam dulu. Like seriously, aku MATANG! LOL. Matang. Itu yang aku nak tekankan. Tapi bila cakap dekat diri aku sendiri yang "Aku dah matang." selalu je senyum sendiri. Mungkin sebab tak ada orang nak cakap aku matang, so aku puji diri aku sendiri.

Lagu hardcore atau rock kapak omputih pun aku dah tak dengar sangat. Dengar tapi jarang. Perubahan diri aku sendiri pun menyebabkan blog aku berubah secara tak langsung. Cara penyampaian itu sendiri sudah menunjukkan kelainan.Cara percakapan pun dah tak kasar macam dulu, dulu cakap ikut sedap mulut tapi sekarang cakap bertapis dahulu.

Teman lelaki ? - Tak ada dalam list hidup aku sekarang. Tak berminat.
Kawan lelaki? - Aku tak ada kawan lelaki sejak aku masuk sini. Semua classmate lelaki aku dekat sini aku banned awal-awal. Tak berminat nak buat kawan. They're so helpless. Cukuplah kawan-kawan lelaki aku masa sekolah menengah. Yang kenal perangai otai dan gila aku. Yang tu pun dah cukup. Aku tak nak tambah dah kawan lelaki yang lain.

Apa lagi yang aku berubah ? Hurm, banyak. Tapi tak perlu mention semua. Malas nak ungkap cerita lama.






13:2 - Heart Attack, - But you make me wanna act like a girl

Responsibility

There is a time, where I stuck in the middle of responsibilities. 

As a daughter, student and a servant.

Hopefully, everything will be okay for this week and I could manage my time easily.

My mom and I


As I am the only child and daughter in my family, my mom and dad always have a high expectation towards me. There is a time when my result it quite "out-of-the-blue" my mom will share it with her friends and neighbors. For me, it is better to keep it under because I don't want the whole villager or her friends know about me.

Once before, my mom and I did have a bit misunderstanding, where causing us to have a little fight about my result. 

"Mak tak payahlah nak cerita dekat semua orang, kakak tak suka."

And nowadays, when I memorized back those memories, I started to understand my mom. As a woman and a daughter. I knew that she doesn't have another kid than me to be proud of. 

***

Now, the latest issue that we have right now is about marriage. She told me that some of her friend want to know about her "anak dara". And I asked her, "Did you told them anything, mak?" and my mom was like " Of course I told them, they are my friends and they are looking forward to meet you as they never meet my daughter." I was like what-thee-fish is that for? Meeting me? And I said to her,

"Mak lain kali jangan bagi tahu yang mak ada anak dara, kakak tak suka."

I did have my own reason to keep my existence as a secret. Well, nowadays I don't feel safe due to certain circumstance. Usually, my instance is always correct. So just let me to stay under, mom. Heee :D



p/s:  Happy International Women's Day


- 1:34 PM ; it is good to have midnight conversation with your own beloved mom.


Kahwin

Sembilan belas tahun. Terlalu mentah bagi aku untuk memasuki alam perkahwinan. Dan aku tahu, bonda pasti tidak bersetuju jika aku menyatakan hasrat untuk berkahwin awal. Sebenarnya, sampai sekarang pun tidak terdetik untuk aku, berkahwin diumur sebegini.

Hati aku agak hiba. Bila, sepupu aka kawan baik aka counselor yang aku ibaratkan dah macam kakak aku sendiri hendak berkahwin di bulan March ini. Tapi, perkara yang paling mengecewakan aku ialah bila, aku tak dapat menghadirkan diri di majlis perkahwinan tersebut.

Jangan di tanya mengapa, biar aku bercerita.

23hb & 24hb March -Midterm Examination.

Dan sudah pasti aku tidak dapat ponteng diwaktu tersebut semata-mata untuk menghadiri majlis perkahwinan dia. Tambahan lagi, abah sudah warning aku,

 "Jangan balik, utamakan exam dulu!"

Aku tahu, bila dia sudah berkahwin nanti, dia sudah menjadi milik orang lain. Sudah tentu tidak serupa seperti dahulu,

 "SUAMI DIDAHULUKAN, PERSAHABATAN DIKEMUDIANKAN".

It sound very pathetic, but that is the truth, yet even when I'm getting married I need to give my priority to my husband. Perkara yang sama tetap akan berlaku pada aku nanti, tapi bukan sekarang..

Aku tak sedia untuk ditinggalkan. Even I was being trained to survive-for-being-alone, tapi aku dah tak mahu keseorangan. Dah bertahun-tahun aku berjaya survived. Jatuh dan bangun sendiri. Tapi bila ada yang seseorang dibelakang aku, aku rasa lebih kuat. Aku takut kehilangan, dan aku tahu kehilangan ialah sesuatu yang perit.

Aku redha. Ya, kawan aku beribu tapi bukan semua sahabat aku.

Ugly Truth - Ramai yang memalingkan muka bila aku jatuh dan hanya sebilangan dari mereka yang setia di sisi aku. Yang lain, hanya mendegar tapi memalingkan muka bila aku mohon dibantu walaupun tidak dinyatakan hasrat itu. Bila aku jatuh ramai yang lari. Tak, aku bukan mengungkit, cuma aku ingin tekankan yang Sahabat ini sukar bagi aku untuk dicari ganti. Aku dah kenal banyak ragam manusia, yang jenis tikam belakang, musuh dalam selimut, etc. Walau seburuk manapun aku, mereka tetap terima aku, menasihati aku dan cuba memahami situasi aku. Terima kasih sahabat.

Akhir kata,
Buat sepupuku, selamat melangkah ke alam perkahwinan. Mungkin terlalu awal untuk diucapkan tapi aku tahu aku tak dapat berada di sisi mu pada waktu kau menjadi raja sehari. I'm not gonna be in our family picture on the day you get married. I'm soo sorry.




- 00:05 ; Burst in tears. Ily kunor hidayah. Ukhwah fillah abadan abada.

Krik krik krik.

Let me say something right here;

I DON'T LIKE PEOPLE 
WHO COOKING WHILE SINGING



The end.






10:09 PM ; - 

First Impression


I used to think that the first impression is not important except for something vital like attending an interview. Well, you can't judge the person base on their appearance.

First and formost, I don't really care about my appearance as long as I covered my aurah properly. Some of my friends always worry about what they gonna wear for the class, what color should they match for thier baju kurung and hijab. Surely that is not my style. Who's care about what you wear? Your fashion? Your color of baju kurung or what-ever-it-is! But, kindly remind right here, please covering your aurah properly,  NOT warping your aurah with tight cloth.

 Since I'm entering CFS, I'm always being asked by others with this question;

"Are you comes from religious school?"

I think that is what people attempt to think about me, because of my appearance. Well that is what thier first impression about me. Certainly, I'm not good in Arabic language, my knowledge is not at the stage like Ustaz or Ustazah and I'm still learning right now. 

A few days ago, my friend said something like this to me;

" If I'm not her roommates, I'll never knew that she is the only child in her family."

When I asked her why, she refused to tell me, and I made my own assumption,

 "Maybe it because of my character." 

It just my own conclusion after the conversation. I never knew why she said so and I don't think I need to ask her again when she said no. After all, don't judge the book from its cover. You never know who or how is he/she at the first place during your first meeting.

Last but not least I want to emphasize something about aurah. As far as I concerned, covering aurah is compulsory in Islam. There are some people did said something like this; 

"Tak semestinya orang yang tak tutup aurat tu jahat dan tak semestinya orang menutup aurat tu baik"

Here I did like to say something, even you're good and nice person but you don't cover your aurah properly, how good your first impression to Allah SWT? And for those who covering aurah properly, in term of aurah you already follow the rule but in term of your bad personality are sure that you already have a good first impression to  Allah SWT?

In conclusion, not covering your aurah properly still committing a sin and having a bad personality like backbiting, having a relationship with ajnabi, free mingling, cheating and ect, also still committing a sin. Both cases is still committing a sin but different causes. One who is not covering the aurah and one who have a bad personality. 

If you are a good person with a good heart, in sya Allah, one day Allah will give you a hidayah that will lead you to the righ path. And don't be surprised that one day, the one who covering his/her aurah properly will not cover his/her aurah anymore, because hidayah comes from Allah. He, The All Mighty will choose who ever He like to give His hidayah or to take away His hidayah.

Good person always got a good heart. In sya Allah.




5:57 ; received an email from Abah. :)

Default Picture.



Yesterday, I went to Sarah's room. I can't hold the boredom inside me. Yet, today is my third day for me being alone in this room. All of my roommates went back to their hometown or their uncle's house as it is CNY holiday. And, I am a loner right here. Sigh.

Well, I met Fadhlina yesterday. She supposed to be at Kinokuniya, KLCC at noon, but  she canceled her plan and hanged out with me and Sarah  for the whole day. Surely, I had a lot of fun with 'em.

" Weh, aku nak letak gambar Matluthfi lah dekat facebook aku, buat default picture." - Fadhlina said to me.

"Lah letak jelah, dia kan public figure. Tak ada orang marah pun." - I did uttered something like this to her.

"Ye lah tapi..." - Her face expression changed dramatically.

I knew what she gonna said to me. With those face expression, I can understand THE feeling.

"Being scared of what people said or thought of you." - splendid answer (!)

Who cares what the other people said to you?? They just want to make you feels down, lower your self-esteem and etc. Do what ever you want to do as long it not gonna break the Syariah's rules. You're not even committing a crime. You just want to use Matluthfi's picture as your default picture. Do you think that you need to ask his permission to use his picture and post something like this to him;

" Assalamualaikum, abang Matluthfi saya nak guna gambar abang buat dp dekat FB. Boleh tak?"




Dear Fadhlina,
Just change your default picture with what-so-ever-poses-of Matluthfi you wanted to. He is a public figure. He will truly understand you as one of his fans and everyone could have his pictures including you. Don't tell me you're admiring Matluthfi90? Lol. I don't think he will mad at you. He doesn't even know who you are. Well, he got a zellion gallons of fan out there and I don't think he knows all of them.

Proudly to say that, I'm not a hard-die-fan of Mathluthfi90 and one more thing, the duck face is not suitable for you as you are not a bunch of high school kids anymore and you're doing master right now. Lol, I don't think that you're being scared of what other people said or thought of you. (Letak tangan atas bahu, mata tengok atas) Btw, thanks for entertaining me with your videos because some of them did managed to release my stresses and some of them just annoyed me. Haha.





- 12:38 AM ; Stranger by Dean Koontz still can't knock my heart.

Free Falling

As usual, today, in Physics's class, my mind and my soul are completely out of range. The lecture is teaching about free falling and telling us about his experiences about air pocket situation.

Suddenly, I remembered about Can You Keep a Secret? one of Sophie Kinsella's novel. I smiled alone in the class when I'm remember that Emma told all of her secrets to a stranger when the plane hits air turbulence. Even the situation that explained by my lecture is not the same like in the novel, however I can't stop thinking about it. The scene of Emma telling her secrets during the turbulence completely appeared in my mind, and I felt like I wanted to laugh out loud during the class. It just like I saw the scene in 3D! Lol. But I still can behave myself during the class. Still, I can't stop smiling. I don't care what's the other said about.

My life is full with imagination that was untold to other people. But I don't think that, it only happen to me. I'm glad that I still could smile till this day even a lot of things is already happened to me.

Thank you Allah.




- 4:04 PM ; alone again, naturally. p/s :Where did I left my focus during the class?

Confuse & Confession


I think there is something wrong with my SPM's slip. I got A+ for Physics. After all this time, I don't think I need to ask myself, how could I get A+ for this subject but now I need to question it . Am I having other person SPM's slip?

Today, I'm having physics class. Those alphabets and formulas in the Collage Physics textbook was attacking me like a mad bull. For the time being, I think I am stupid in Physics. However when I thought about it again, if I am stupid, I won't be able to get A+ in Physics. So I named it miracle. All praises to the All Mighty God, Allah.

I think I need Physics for Dummies book. Ugh, I felt like I am in another world when the lesson started. Surely, this is not the end between me and Physics. Last but not least, I'm glad that Physics is not equivalent to Chemistry who hate me so much. 

Chemistry is a madness, Physics is unknown and Biology is a pure and lovely thing that I ever meet..



5:55 PM ;  such a cold and raining day in PJ

This Means War


You're seeking for a war. Good job. Why I am saying so ? Because you're messing up with a wrong person.  You just started a war with me because you stole my seat. I was there and you just sat beside me without even asking me nicely to get my seat. You knew that, no one is at the back except me. That's why you dare to take my seat without using any urges. You already knew that I'll walk away.Yes you're right. It is happened just like you wants.

The worst part began, I needed to move from my seat. I'm just walked away from my seat and gave it to you. Arguing about who's seat is this won't settle the problem.Yet, I don't think that I needed to talk to you. It won't  bring any solution, so it is better for me to keep my mouth shut and save my voice to talk about other stuffs. If I won't do so last evening, it is really meant to be a world  war III between us. My hot-tempered won't make you last longer.

Thanks to Allah,  for kept me silent for last evening, even I was sulking until the end of the class. I don't know what will happen if my temper is exploded like a mad volcanic eruption in the class today. May be the chairs gonna flying everywhere, or may be I'm gonna cursing you for all evening today or may be we need to cancel our class that evening. But, sometimes, stays silent is better than talking. Plus, being silent ain't mean that you're such a loser. Too much talking won't bring any goods yet you'll gain a load of sins.

Btw, thanks for being soo polite! Your Songkok is not going to buy my first impression towards you. And surely, you won't be able to runaway from the lecture's attention as she always keeps an eye on you guys. I'm not mad, but a little bit pissed off. I'm not being upset for every boy in my class, it just that one who stealing my seat, okay?

So this is the solution: Don't you ever dare to steal my seat again! Bereh?


I am apologizing for my misbehave, if you think so.





2:55 AM ; again, I've class with you 'em tomorrow. Why there's need to have boys in my class?!

Flashback To 2009-2011

Hi there,

I'm still here. It almost 5 o'clock in the morning. Yet I can't sleep. If I sleep right now, I won't be able to wake up for Subuh prayer. Well actually, I'm just finished watching Ustaz Azhar Idrus's videos. And now, the VLC Player is broken. So I can't continue to watch it.

Then, I'm stalking my older posts on my blog since 2009. To think about it again, most of my posts is fulled with shitty things; Love, problems, school etc etc.. Well it is a common norm for a school kid to post about their school's life. After that, I read about my stupid love story. Phuih. It about 4 or 5 years already since I ever had a boyfriend. Sound like a pathetic but I'm very happy with my current life right now because I don't need to mess up my life with useless thing like having a boyfriend.

Well for the first time in my life, I am very grateful for broke up with him even though I can't accept it at the beginning. Now, I'm almost forget everything about him. What he already done to me in the past and bla bla bla... The birthday wish or what ever it is. I think, if I don't post it on blog, I will barely able to remember anything about him because a lot of things is going on in my life. Surely, it kinda pleasure to have a boyfriend but that is not what I'm really wanted to. When I flashed back the memories when I was with him, we never gave a name to each other like "sayang" or "abang" or what-so-ever-sweets-name-it-is. Alhamdulillah, I am proud to not to do soo. Who do you think you're to call someone else like that? He/she is not even your husband or wife. It just for self pleasure. Hypocrite people always do so. I knew it for a long time ago. Well I'll keep that words for my future husband. In sya Allah.

Talk about a husband, it kinda scary you know, when you have a secret admire and suddenly they went to meet your parent and talked about marriage. You don't ever know him. It just happen like that and the worst part is your parents agreed about the marriage arrangement. Agrh, stop it already. It gonna be more scarier if it is really happen in the real life. That is the most thing that I wish it won't be happened in my life. Back to the story;

And then, during 2010 I had been through a hardship, where there is a very massive controversy in my school about my blog. I used to blog by using brutal words, curses or what ever that hurts other feeling. Almost to get expel or something like that from the school. Aftermath, I skipped school for a week. I went to KL for shopping. Silly me. Just runaway like from the problem. Then went I back, I just made myself cleared. that if I don't change to other school I'll ensure I'll do something that I could clear my name again and gain my confidence back. Then, during taking the SPM's slip, I was listed as straight's As' student for SPM 2011. Alhamdulillah. I did cleared my name again, but to be able to archive at that stage, it was not really easy. In form 5 I stayed low so people won't talk back to about me. Even that low, there is  still rubbish talk that want to take me down again with the stupid surat layang. Hurm, never mind. People always do mistake. I'm already let it go for a long time ago. Let bygone be bygone.

Everyone used to make mistake before. Plus, I'm really glad to do such mistake because, it make me realize what is the purpose of living in this world. Being a khalifah on this earth is one of our AMANAH. However there is always a thing I really want to do.

Dad if you read this can I ask you something ?
- Do you know that I have a bf before, and did you caught me in red but you just let me  away? lol.
- Did you go to school and met the principle aftermath?
- Do you hide any secrets from me just tell me the truth..

I don't think he reads my blog. Well if he really read it can we have a talk like-fathe- like-daughter? Just like always we have done it before. Lol.


5:56AM ; It takes a lot of time to flash back the memories. lol.

My Lullaby


Throughout my life, I used to have my own lullaby. Well when it comes about lullaby, I'll choose it carefully so I could sleep, safe and sounded. When I started my secondary school, I was fully exposed by English Song by the radio, internet, friends etc etc.  Well, English song is not that bad at my first thought. However, after year by year, I'm started to realize something.. Something odd about myself.

Then, when I started to learn about English song, there is a strange bond between me and these songs. I mean, every song. I began to attach to 'em like a nail to a finger. Every single English song will be my lullaby, every night. Plus it getting worst when I owned my personal Hi-5 speaker. Every night my room will be like a disco as the volume is turned up to the max! I felt like having a party in my room. Sighs.

To think it again, I did missed something during those years. My soul is empty! Those English Songs did made me felt alive, but the truth is my life is like a zombie. A body without a soul. I used to think that, this is my happiness. I used to say that I am fine, this the way of life that I wanted to live like. Until one time, I realize that this English song never fill my emptiness. I lost my way.

Till there, I won't tell you what happen to me after that. Its gonna be a long journey to go back to the past and flash back the memories. I won't do so, as I want to say here that, I do made a wrong judgement at past. English song is good indeed, but it is just "good". In other term, not good enough to lead your life. And please don't listen to English song before you sleep. Ain't no fun dude! They'll hypnotize your subconscious mind during sleeping. It quite scary actually. Certain lyrics have cursing words. So its better for you to listen to zikrullah or ayat-ayat suci Quran.

Actually, until now I'm still listen to 'em. But not kinda drug addicted like I used to be, before. It just for fun but it not gonna be my lullaby anymore. Well it is hard to remove a bad habit just like that.

Hurm.. Right now I try to listen to nasyid and qasidah. Surely they're not my taste, they don't have the" hard, rock and cursing" part. "Just another lame songs" - This is what I used to think at the past. But, now I want to get use to listen to this song so it gonna be a part of me.

Can You be Our Imam?


When it comes about solat, we always querrel to each other. Who's gonna be our imam for today's prayer? Well, here, in CFS we have a lot of students who came from religious high school. For sure, when it comes about solat, we'll choose them as our Imam. However, sometimes for an ordinary student like me, there will be a time where we need to be Imam during solat.

Then, it come this day where, there are only me and my senior in mussolla for Isyak.

"Junk, kau jadi imam malam ni, asyik akak je jadi imam. Nak jugak rasa orang lain jadi imam." - One of my senior said this to me.

"Akak, takkan saya kot. Kita tunggulah Ilah (bukannamasebenar) , tak nak lah saya jadi imam."

"Alah, asyik akak dengan Ilah je jadi imam, awak bila lagi? Masa ni lah nak cungkil bakat terpendam."

"Tak nak, tak nak. Cepat lah akak, jadi imam, saya qamat eh? Saya nak pergi makan pulak nanti lepas solat."

"Awak ni asyik makan je, petang tadi tak makan ke?"

I'm smiling and showing my pity face.

At the end of our conversation, Ilah and my roommates came for Isyak prayer. So at the end of the conversation, one of my roommates become the Imam that night.

So here, when it comes about who gonna be imam in solat, sometimes it become hard to decide as  sometimes we did tried to avoid from be a Imam. However we still perform our solat jemaah together because at the there will be a volunteer to be Imam. Hehe.

Well when it comes about Imam, my self-esteem become lower because there are a lot of students here who got such a melodious voice to be an Imam. I don't know what the other student think about it but I don't think that this is only on my imagination. But that is one of my reason, to not to be an Imam here, in CFS.

May I gain my self-esteem back. Amin.


12:16 AM ; In-the-making of the ibumie goreng. Lol.

Sadis, Bila Perempuan Menagis.


Aku tak nafi, perempuan ni hati lembut. Sebab aku sendiri pun perempuan. Tapi bagi aku, dalam banyak-banyak sebab perempuan menagis, lelaki ialah adalah salah satu punca yang paling tipikal. Mengeluh. Aku tak salahkan lelaki, cuma kadang kala, lelaki ni macam langit dengan bumi bila dibandingkan dengan perempuan.

Pernah satu ketika, alkisahnya, seorang perempuan yang tak dapat menerima kenyataan perpisahannya bersama bekas teman lelakinya. Berderai air mata hanya kerana seorang lelaki yang tidak berhati perut. Bagi aku, perempuan ni complicated. Ada masa, aku sendiri tak dapat mentafsirkan perasaan aku sendiri.

Aku pernah terbaca, lelaki ini mudah sahaja. Bila masuk prihal perasaan, yang mereka tahu cuma perasaan gembira, sedih dan kabur. Aku sendiri pun tidak faham dengan perangan tersebut. Apa itu perasaan kabur? Pelik.

Dan bagi aku perempuan yang menagis kerana takut kepada Allah lebih mulia dibadingkan menagis kerana cinta tak berbalas. Bukan perempaun sahaja, lelaki pun sama. Aku tak tuju dekat sesiapa. Alik-alik terkena di muka sendiri juga nanti.





p/s: Perempuan ni complicated sebab penuh dengan emosi.




- 11:43PM ; kawan aku pangil aku gila sebab menagis, senyum, gelak dan tawa, marah bila baca novel mahupun menonton movie/drama. Even sometimes I cried without any exactly reason.

Heart-breaking News

How I supposed to explain about my situation ? It is a heart breaking news for me. Well, I don't know how to describe my feeling right now. Am I alright or not. Upset or not. Whatever it is, I still need to accept it with open heart.

Do not ever and never cry over the past. Sigh. It's not like I don't put a lot of affords. Damn, I am trying the best, I put so much afford on this..  But that is all I got. I do reflect myself about my mistakes. I do asked forgiveness. I do forgive people. But still..

I'm not losing a hope.  I keep my faith on Him. Keep believe in Him. And even right now, I believe in Him. He put me in this situation to test me..

There is a time, when my world is getting worst than ever, somebody showed me into the light. The right thing.

I'm still hoping that the news is wasn't true, as it is not an official announcement yet.



- 4:33AM ; Even I fail for a hundred times, I won't give up till I'm succeed.

Hari Basah Kuyup

                                                                                                          -not my picture


Hari itu hujan lebat, gua tahu gua dah lewat ke sekolah. Gua tak pernah selewat itu. Memegang title "pelajar baik" lah katakan. Perli. Bonda mula bimbang, hujan lebat tak berhenti dari subuh tadi.

"Pergi sekolah dengan bapak kamu! Hari nak hujan ni." - Bonda

"Tak nak, motor kan ada, tak hujan punya. Redah jelah nanti." -Gua

Dan benar kata bonda, hari itu hujan lebat yang amat! Seharian hujan tak berhenti. Air di baruh, mula menutupi jalan.

Jam hampir 7.30 pagi. Lagi 15 minit lagi kelas hendak bermula. Hati gua berbolak balik lagi. Hujan tak berhenti-henti. Tak boleh jadi ni. Gua monolog sendiri. Gua cuim tangan bonda, kemudian terus ke LC135 merah kesayangan gua. Sambil lap tempat duduk dengan kain buruk, gua started motor, terus menuju ke jalan utama.

Hujan makin lebat bila gua keluar. Di sebabkan dah terlampau lewat, dalam otak gua cuma ada satu. Sampai sebelum kelas bermula. Tanpa gua sedar, gua terus memecut. Setiap kereta gua potong. Meter menunjukkan 90 km/h. Pedulikan sahaja- hati gua membentak. Bila hampir sampai di simpang empat, dalam 1 km dari sekolah gua, gua tukar line kanan. Sudah tak peduli akan kereta yang sibuk. Motor gua terus mencelah antara kereta-kereta di atas jalan raya yang basah.

Bandan gua sudah basah kuyup. Gua sudah tak ambil kira, Dengan berbaju hijau dan seluar hijau gua, semua sudah basah.. Alang-alang redah hujan biar sampai basah kuyup.- hati gua bermonolog lagi. Tika hampit sampai di trafik light, tiba-tiba kereta hadapan break mengejut. Motor gua masih laju memecut di antara kereta-kereta di atas jalan raya. Tanpa berfikir panjang, gua menarik picu break tangan. Tiba-tiba tayar belakang mula tak seimbang. Ke kira dan ke kanan. Hydorplaning! Mati lah aku.- Itu je yang aku ingat masa itu. Hati gua cuba tidak panik. Dalam kedudukan motor gua dihimpit dengan kereta, gua istifar panjang. Kalau memang nak berlaku kemalangan ni, memang tak dapat elak. Tak SPM lah gua jawabnya. - Monolog sendiri lagi. Gua cuba tenangkan diri. Dan akhirnya, gua dapat kawal kembali motor gua. Selamat sampai ke sekolah.

Bila sampai di kelas kawan gua tegur, " Weh JUNKS basah kuyup kau eh ? Seronok mandi hujan?" Aku terus duduk di meja rehat belakang, sambil keluarkan buku-buku. Manalah tahu takut basah. "Kau tahu, kau patut bersyukur dapat jumpa aku hari ini, kalau tak kau datang melawat aku dekat hospital lah nanti. Tak SPM lah aku..." Gua tersengih-sengih sambil melihat kawan gua.




- Around 7.50 AM, Tuesday in March or April 2011 ;- Cikgu belum masuk kelas lagi. Hahaha

Realiti Vs. Fantasi


Bila aku buka PSP, perkara pertama yang aku cari adalah Burnout Legends. Aku tahu sekarang semua tu dah lapuk. Tapi kala zaman aku di sekolah menengah, kami selalu beradu lumba kereta. Cuba hendak unlock semua level. Multiplayer dengan kawan-kawan lain. Kadang, sampai online pun pakai psp. 

Zaman Burnout Legends dah berlalu. Sekarang zaman tab, ipad, android, iphone etc.. Bila kenangkan balik, main burnout selalu buat aku rasa 'alive'. You knows what I mean right? Bawak kereta laju-laju, bila sampai dekat selekoh tajam, tekan boost nak naikkan speed, sekali dengan badan aku sekali bergerak konon nak selekoh. Itu zaman sekolah menengah. Bukan sekarang.

Kalau dahulu aku tak ada lesen kereta, nah sekarang aku ada. Nak kata driving setiap hari tak juga. Kala pulang cuti semester, boleh kira dengan jari berapa kali aku driving. Mungkin aku sedar, fantasi bawa kereta dalam psp cuma sekadar fantasi. Bila realiti, aku perlu fikir orang sekeliling aku. Especially penumpang dalam kereta aku. Sebab itu aku selesa bawak motor, tak perlu fikir keselamatan passenger. Bahayakan diri sendiri? Tak mengapa. Tapi bila masuk family, aku peduli.

Dan tadi siang, aku driving Kelantan-Terengganu. Di sebabkan ketinggian aku ni tak sesuai untuk sebuah kancil. Aku cepat penat. Turun jer dari kereta, satu badan sakit. Bila diingat balik, aku selalu buat lap dekat selekoh tajam. Pernah satu kali, hampir terbabas, dekat selekoh maut. Aku tahu itu selekoh maut, tapi kaki degil nak makin tekan pedal minyak. Nasib aku dapat kawal steering kereta dan tak panik, kalau tak memang dah masuk kubur dah sekarang. Kalau aku sorang tak apa, ni dengan bapak aku. Lepas tu kena perli dengan bapak aku. Nasib tak jadi arwah. Btw, jalan tu pernah meragut pasangan pengantin yang baru kahwin.

Kalau dalam Burnout, aku boleh tekan minyak, sampai accident beratus kali tak terkita entah. Tapi bila aku memandu dekat realiti aku teringat,yang aku cuma ada satu nyawa sahaja. Realiti tak ada button "Restart" or "New Game". Kalau dah ada, dah lama aku bawak secara berbahaya atas jalan raya uh.

Konklusi, safety comes first. Ini bukan burnout ni betul-betul punya.



p/s: Driving a car never satisfy me. How pathetic it is ?


- 3:16 ; Baju merah, bercermin mata nerd, earphone di telinga.

Semaster Break

I gonna waste my holiday with this!!

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Hari Akhir.

Hari ini, langit PJ menangis lagi. Kalau difikirkan balik, pagi tadi langit cerah. Sangkakan panas sampai ke petang rupanya hujan di tengah hari. Macam aku dengan bapak. Bapak dapat 3.80 cgpa. Aku ? Tak tahu lagi. Agak tercabar. Tapi bukan aku tak berusaha. Usaha! Tapi, mungkin bukan reazki aku lagi. Kadang rasa marah, kenapa aku usaha tapi tak dapat apa yang aku impikan ? Namun, bila muhasabah diri sendiri balik, aku nampak silapnya. Tak mengapa, final baru ini aku dah cuba yang terbaik. Sekarang tinggal doa dan tawakal. Itu je yang aku ada sekarang.

Hari ni hari akhir aku di sini. Mengakhiri sisa-sisa semester ke dua. Dan dua minggu lagi aku akan kembali ke sini. Meneruskan pengajian aku. Mungkin hari aku tak selalu cerah. Tapi dalam mendung itu, masih aku dapat melihat dengan jelas perjalanan aku.


Harap, malam ini hujan berhenti. Kalau tidak lecun habis badan aku dek air hujan.

Semut dan Tahun Baru


Aku tak tahu apa masalah laptop aku hari ini. Semut kecil banyak gila. Manis sangat ke laptop aku sampai gula sebiji pun boleh tinggalkan ?

Orang kata minum air semut otak jadi lembab 40 hari. 
Tapi kalau pakai laptop bersemut, aku tikam semut tu sampai mati.
Habis laptop aku nak diteroka. 

Btw, Happy New Year.
2012 is past and 2013 is present.

New Year Resolution ? 
Nothing much. Just wake up early in the morning.

Cheers.



p/s: Unofficially nineteen.